Sooner or later the family bed becomes too small. Perhaps you have been lying sideways for two years, perhaps you wake up with a small foot between your shoulder blades, perhaps your child is the one asking for «a bed of my own, like the big kids». Ending co-sleeping does not mean the past few years were a mistake – only that the needs in your family have shifted. The transition almost always works when it happens in small, predictable steps rather than over a single night. This guide sets out four proven approaches, a three-week plan night by night and the usual stumbling blocks – for children from 18 months to around five years.
The short answer: pick a calm stretch with no house move, no nursery settling-in, no new baby and no run of infections. Then reduce closeness in stages rather than cutting it off – for example with a mattress in your bedroom, a bed pushed up against yours, or support in your child's own room with growing distance. Keep the ritual, the timing and your response to night waking exactly the same for two to three weeks. The first three to five nights are the hardest; after that most families notice a clear improvement.
- There is no «right» age, but there is a right moment: only one big change per quarter.
- Four common approaches, from a gentle interim step to a complete switch – choose one and stick with it.
- Expect two to six weeks until the pattern is stable, with the hardest nights right at the start.
- Setbacks after illness, holidays or a house move are normal and usually last only a few nights.
- A low, soft bed with room for a parent makes the difference between «punishment» and «a place of my own».
Why co-sleeping was not a mistake – and may still end
Co-sleeping is the norm across much of the world, and in Switzerland more families share a bed than admit it at the parents' evening. For many it was simply the solution that worked after three months of broken sleep: short distances, quick settling, more sleep for everyone. None of that is retrospectively devalued if you change something now.
At some point, though, the sums change. In a family bed parents sleep measurably more restlessly because they react to every movement – many report two to four extra waking phases a night. Then there is space: a three-year-old sleeps sideways and easily takes up half a metre of a 160 cm bed. In many rented flats the parents' bedroom is also the only room where something other than keeping watch might happen in the evening. And sometimes the wish comes from the child, often around the time playgroup starts. Parents being rested is not a luxury: it is part of what your child needs from you during the day.
The right moment – and when to wait
The most common reason attempts fail is not the wrong approach but the wrong month. Children cope well with change, but rarely with several at once. Postpone the start if any of these is imminent or has just happened: a house move, settling in at nursery or kindergarten, the birth of a sibling, a run of infections with fever or earache, a change of key carer, or one parent away for two weeks with work.
A useful rule of thumb: only one big theme per quarter, and two to three quiet weeks after each change. If a sibling is on the way, start early enough that the transition is finished around three months before the due date – otherwise your child will experience their own bed as being displaced by the baby. Stretches with a steady daily routine are favourable, for example the weeks after the winter sports holidays, and any time when you yourselves have reserves. Because the plan stands or falls on whether you give the same answer on night four as on night one. If your child flatly refuses to stay alone, it is worth reading why children refuse their own bed first.
Ending co-sleeping: the four approaches compared
The four common approaches differ in pace and place, but all of them work with your presence – your child is never alone. Choose one before the first night and stay with it for at least two weeks; switching midway is what really unsettles children.
| Approach | How it works | Strength | Limit |
|---|---|---|---|
| Mattress in the parents' room | Their own floor-level sleeping place in the same room, later moved into their own room | Very gentle, workable from 18 months, solves the space problem first | Two changes instead of one; can drag on for months |
| Bed alongside the parents' bed | Their own bed pushed against yours, then moved further away week by week | Closeness stays while a boundary forms; good for very clingy children | Needs space in your bedroom; children often climb across in the first nights |
| Support in their own room | You stay in the child's room and increase the distance every three to four nights | Clear, plannable, done in two to three weeks; from about 2.5 years | Requires consistency and a few short nights at the start |
| Complete switch with a ritual | A set date, a new bed, a bedtime ritual introduced with ceremony from night one | Fast; very effective when the child asks for it | Usually too abrupt for children under three |
Broadly: the younger the child, the more interim steps you need. How to phase out bedtime support itself is described in detail in ending bedtime support.
What to do at each age
What works at one age overwhelms at another. The table is a guide, not a standard: a reserved four-year-old may of course be supported like a two-year-old.
| Age | Recommended approach | What matters most |
|---|---|---|
| 18–24 months | Mattress in the parents' room or bed alongside | Change the place before the distance; language is still limited, so rituals matter all the more |
| 2–3 years | Bed alongside, then the move into their own room | Use the drive for autonomy: let your child choose the bedding and soft toy |
| 3–4 years | Support in their own room with growing distance | Announce it in advance, explain the sequence, make the steps visible (the chair moves back) |
| 4–6 years | Complete switch with a ritual, with the child involved in deciding | Keep to agreements; set a clear rule for night-time visits |
Whether your child is ready for a room of their own does not depend on their date of birth alone, but on language, motor skills and day-to-day form – watch that for a week or two before you commit.
The three-week plan, night by night
This plan describes the «support in their own room» approach and transfers to the other three. Decide in advance who takes which night.
Week 1 – change of place, full closeness
Nights 1 to 7: your child sleeps in their own bed and you lie right beside them, a hand on their back, until they fall asleep. Nothing else changes – same time, same ritual, same soft toy. If they come to you in the night, take them back and stay sitting until they are asleep again. Say little, do not turn on the light.
Week 2 – the distance grows
Nights 8 to 10: you sit on a chair next to the bed, with physical contact only on request. Nights 11 to 14: the chair moves to the middle of the room. If your child protests, go back one step, not two.
Week 3 – presence rather than company
Nights 15 to 18: the chair stands by the door. Nights 19 to 21: you leave the room, saying you will look in again in five minutes – and you do, even if they are already asleep. That reliability carries the rest. By the end of the third week most children fall asleep on their own. If yours still turns up regularly at night, when your child comes into your bed will help.
Setbacks are part of it
Almost every family hits a slump after two to four stable weeks. Typical triggers: a cold, a holiday bed, a weekend at the grandparents', a nightmare or the start of kindergarten. This is not wasted work.
Deliberately go back two steps and repeat a phase that already worked – three nights with the chair right beside the bed, say – rather than starting all over again. As a rule the ground is made up in three to five nights, considerably faster than the first time round. During illness, pause anyway: a feverish child belongs where you can hear them. Name the exception clearly – «while you are ill you sleep with us» – because children cope well with time-limited exceptions, but not with vague ones.
Common mistakes
Most drawn-out transitions fail not because of the child but because of a few recurring patterns:
- Sneaking away. Waiting until the child is asleep and then slipping out causes alarm at the next waking – and therefore more night waking, not less.
- Changing pace. Three consistent nights, then one night in your bed because everyone is exhausted: your child learns that persistence pays.
- Talking too much. Night-time discussions wake everyone up. One sentence, tuck in, sit down.
- The bed as a threat. «If you don't tidy up you're sleeping alone tonight» links the new sleeping place with punishment.
- Everything at once. Dropping the dummy, losing the nappy, changing rooms: one theme at a time.
- Giving up too early. Many stop on night three, exactly when resistance peaks and usually starts to fall away.
What the bed, the light and the room temperature contribute
The new sleeping place has to feel more appealing than the old one, otherwise you are having an argument you cannot win. In practice: low, so your child can get in and out unaided and rolling out stays harmless; no hard edges at head height; and enough room for a parent to lie down and read. This is exactly where narrow junior beds fail – as soon as you can no longer lie alongside, every bit of support becomes a strain. You will find an overview of fall protection without bars in fall protection without bars.
Three unspectacular adjustments come on top. First the ritual: the same order, 20 to 30 minutes, no screens, with a clear end point. Second light – a dimmed, warm night light below about 10 lux does not disturb sleep and removes many children's reason to call you. Third the room temperature: 16 to 19 °C is usual; in the shoulder seasons a sleeping bag helps more than a turned-up radiator. The details are under room temperature in the children's room.
When a paediatric check is sensible
In the vast majority of cases night waking is a matter of habit rather than medicine. Speak to your paediatrician anyway if your child snores loudly and regularly at night, shows pauses in breathing or breathes only through the mouth, seems exhausted during the day despite a normal amount of sleep, wakes in pain, or if night-time anxiety increases over weeks. Lasting exhaustion on your own side is also a good reason for a conversation.
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Frequently asked questions about ending co-sleeping
At what age can you stop co-sleeping?
There is no biologically correct moment. In practice the transition works well from around 18 to 24 months, because children then understand routines. Age matters less than whether anything else big is going on right now.
How long does it take before a child sleeps in their own bed?
Allow two to six weeks for a stable new pattern. The first three to five nights are the hardest. If nothing has shifted after six to eight weeks, change the approach rather than pushing the same one harder.
Do I have to let my child cry?
No. All four approaches work with your presence: you reduce closeness step by step, not abruptly. Crying cannot always be avoided, but your child is never alone.
What do I do if my child still comes into our bed at night?
Take them back calmly, tuck them in and sit with them briefly. No long conversations, no light, no drink. In the first week this may be needed five to ten times a night, after that far less often. Both parents respond the same way.
Should we stop co-sleeping before a new baby arrives?
If so, with plenty of margin: ideally finished around three months before the due date. If the move into their own bed coincides with the baby, your child experiences it as being pushed aside, so it is better to wait a few months.
What if one parent wants to carry on and the other does not?
Sort that out beforehand, not at two in the morning. The transition only works if you both give the same answer. Agree on one approach and a start date, then review it together after two weeks.
This article is for general information and does not replace paediatric advice. If problems persist, please contact your paediatrician.
